The Simple Life Chapter 22

                “And so what are we going to stop doing?”

                “Your request is pointless stupid and above all else I see no merits to adhering to it.”

                “We’re going to stop speaking in run on sentences and talk normal.”

                “The purpose of those grammatical tools is to leave room for the speaker to take a breath before continuing to speak which due to the fact that I do not breath such things are meaningless to me and serve no purpose.

                “How about serving the purpose of not annoying the ever living bejeezus out of everyone that hears you talk.”

                “I loathe you beyond all comprehension Sonic the Hedgehog.”

                “You can hate me all you want Metal, as long as you stop speaking like an outdated version of Microsoft Sam.”

                “If you are quite done insulting my speech patterns, I’d like to inform you that we will be making our final approach to our target destination shortly. Once there, we will disembark, and begin our mission,” Metal explained.

                “Look at that, you did learn something!” Sonic rejoiced at Metal finally speaking with sentence breaks. “Now was that so hard?”

                “Would you be as so kind to stop your fruitless babbling immediately and focus? Our task will soon be at hand.”

                “Alright, finally some action! I was getting bored living the simple life back in Ponyville. It’s been way too long since I’ve blown something up.”

                “Do not take this operation lightly, our success today is critical and failure to complete this assignment will most assuredly result in a destabilization of power in this underdeveloped world.”

                “Dude, relax. We get in. Take care of business. Get out. No sweat.”

                “Need I remind you yet again, this mission is not to be handled in your normal fashion. It is of utmost importance that we uses stealth and that our presence remain unknown to the local populace. The avian and canine population do believe that I, and by proxy you, are quite dead. Not only that, our discovery can easily result in catastrophe.”

                “Like I said, get in. Handle business. Get out. Easy day.”

                “This plan is filled multiple moving parts, unknown scenarios, and countless ways that it could go wrong. Most of which could result in our premature termination or perhaps reignite this region into war should we fail or misstep in our execution. This being the case, I require that you tell me just how exactly you ascertain this to be an ‘Easy day’.

                There was a slight jostling throughout the ship as the space faring vessel touched down on griffon soil.

                “Because no matter how difficult you wanna make this seem, no matter how critical, and how impossible it looks, you forgetting two simple little details. First, this isn’t my first rodeo, this isn’t the first world I’ve saved, or war I stopped, or impossible mission that I’ve pulled off. Did you forget who you’re talking to? It’s me, the fastest thing alive, Sonic the Hedgehog.”

                A loud pressurized hiss sounded through the area as the rear exit hatch to the Last Resort unsealed and opened allowing sunlight to flood the cargo bay. Sonic stood side by side with Metal as the two watched the larger door fall to the lush forest floor outside the ship and took in the surrounding of the outskirts of the Griffon Empire. As the green light for them to disembark flashed on Metal turned his head towards his organic partner and spoke up once more.

                “And what is the other detail that you claim I over looked, outside of you simply being Sonic the Hedgehog?” Metal asked.

                Sonic started down the exit ramp without answering him at first, but then turned back to face him and cracked his trademark grin at the robot.

                “Tell ya later, c’mon we’ve gotta world to save,” he chucked as his walk quickly evolved into a quick jog.

                Metal Sonic found no room for protest as his template began to speed away out of sight and instead quickly, yet quietly, spooled up his core turbine and followed after him. Moments after his departure, the Last Resort’s hatch resealed and the ship’s autopilot ignited its engines and removed the ship from the forest floor to ascend far out of sight into the upper stratosphere.

                It did not take long for Metal to pull alongside Sonic, as it appeared the hedgehog had actually paid attention to his warnings and was moving at very conservative pace. Metal made use of his advanced scanners to map out the forest before him, allowing his systems to process the most efficient path of low altitude flight that wouldn’t disturb the forest fauna and draw the least attention, an easy task at the pace Sonic had set. Likewise, Sonic found himself swerving far more carefully than normal, taking heed to mind his steps and paying attention his surrounds as not to cause piles of dirt or leaves to billow as he went, as as making sure to tread on more solid ground and leaping from tree to tree when possible to remove the chance of kicking up rooster tails of debris that could arouse suspicion.  Both of them were vigilant for any signs of griffons, wolves, or anything else that could blow their cover and jeopardize their entire mission.

                Sonic, for one had a large grin on his face as he welcomed the sweet smell of fresh air as the two traversed the open forest that occupied the griffon lands that lay just beyond their destination of Wyndia. He had grown restless of the slow travel across the ocean, but Metal had explained that a supersonic entry would have given them away immediately, and a low speed, high altitude course was agreed upon. To lengthen the trip even more, they had to venture fare out of their way to avoid detection by roving griffon sky patrols or the wooden naval vessels that the Last Resort’s long range scanners had detected that busied themselves up and down the coasts in what the two could only guess could to be recreational, trade or regular patrol of national borders. Not only that, but Metal proved to not be the most wonderful of companions, as no matter how hard Sonic tried, the robot was not one to hold a conversations that didn’t involve belittling him. All his answers to any question that didn’t pertain to the mission had been curt, efficient, and for the most part left Sonic feeling, despite they had saved the world together and metal seemed to no longer want to kill him, that they were still enemies that merely shared a common goal for the time being.

                The blue hedgehog was unable to dwell on such thoughts however, as even at the methodical pace they had taken, Sonic and Metal still lived up to their speedy reputations as trees became thinner and more sparse. Before long the two of them had neared the edge of the forest and movement drew his attention only to see that it was Metal pointing ahead to a pile rocks were they could post up. He agreed with a quick nod and veered towards their direction.

                Once in position, both Metal and he fell to a prone position and crawled on their forearms and knees all the way to peek of the rock mounds and took in the site of the Griffon capital. A great white castle of finely carved marble masonry rose high into the sky. Majestic, yes, but if Sonic had to pick a single word in the dictionary to describe the epicenter of the Wyndia, the palace of the Lord Graywing and current location of a fifty megaton yield nuclear bomb, he would have chosen…

                “That is one uppity lookin’ birdhouse,” Sonic muttered.

                “That makes no sense,” Metal replied. “The guard to the city does not appear to be very extensive. The pathway should be clear if we cut through the village moving at sub-sonic speeds and remain hidden from sight. If we do so, I believe us able to make it without drawing alarm. We should move together in close proximity to one another. This will decrease our chances of being spotted.”

                “How does it not make sense?” Sonic quipped.

                “Were you even listening to me?” Metal snapped back.

                “Yeah, yeah, stick together, no sonic booms. Got it. But I mean come on, that palace is uppity.”

                “Explain your meaning.”

                “I’ll do it on the way,” Sonic said sliding down from his perch with Metal quick to follow him.

                “I do not believe this is the best time to engage in discussion given the circumstance.”

                “Take it easy Metal,” Sonic said with a cocky grin as the two zipped towards the city in near perfect unison taking quick shelter behind one of several hay bales strewn about the farm lands just outside the city gate. “After all, if the two of us are gonna save the world together, there ain’t nothing wrong with having a friendly conversation or two along the way. Right ?’

                “If you wish hedgehog,” Metal answered as he quickly faced the hay bail and stared at it for several seconds, however, before Sonic could question him, he spoke up. “Thermal scans show no civilians present and two wall sentries to the city gate posted. We can advance past them when their guard is down. Be prepared to move on my mark…Mark.”

                ------

                “Whoa!” Sven shouted out. His voice startling his partner as a wild gale picked up seemingly out of nowhere, ruffling his feathers and shocking him to the point of causing him to unfurl his wings and flap them about involuntarily until they settled back at his side. “Günter, did you feel that!?”

                “Aye’ just the wind laddie, steady yourself before you begin to molt,” the other griffon replied to his younger charge. “And no we’re not going to fly and tell the watch captain that a breeze ruffled the feathers in yer undercarriage either!”

                “But Günter, that’d didn’t seem normal!”

                “Did you see anything Sven?”

                “Well… N-“

                “Then there ain’t nothing to report now is there now? A wee bit a’ strong wind an nothing more.”

                “But-“

                “And watch where yer pointing that spear!”

                ------

                “Too easy,” Sonic grinned as the two buttoned up tightly against an alley wall, hidden from view of the city gate guards.

                “Indeed. Now explain your meaning as to how a castle can have the property ‘uppity’, when it is an inanimate object incapable of emotion,” Metal demanded.

                “I dunno, call it a hunch,” Sonic began. Metal pointed at an adjacent alleyway. And two quickly made for it. An instant later they were crouched underneath an unattended cart that they used to shield themselves from some passing griffon children that were flying low to the ground. “I mean the way it’s so much taller than every other building, it’s like the guy who lives there likes to look down everyone else. Like his subjects are beneath him, scurrying around like ants.”

                “That was a remarkably profound observation that I did not expect out of the likes of you,” Metal commented.

                 “Just sayin’, I bet the guy who lives there is a giant douche,” Sonic continued.

                “And your explanation had started out so well spoken too,” Metal lamented sarcastically.

                 Hey, you think you can get me to that gargoyle?” Sonic asked as he began pointing to an ornate stone building with stone effigies jutting out that stood a great deal taller than the other buildings around it.

                “Affirmative. I’ll move half way to the target location. We will synchronize repeated homing strikes to get you across. Move,” Metal ordered and instantly took flight to the sky as Sonic quickly wall jumped his way between two buildings to make it to the rooftops.

    ----------

                “Mommy! Mommy! Did ya see it!?”

                “See what Gretchen dear?”

                “In the sky, the two blue balls bouncing in the air!”

                Brie cocked an eyebrow, but decided to humor her daughter and look up and as she thought, saw nothing.

                “Now really, you need to stop with these wild stories Gretchen, haven’t you heard of the griffon that cried Basilisk? Sometimes you act like newly hatched chick”

    “But…but I saw it!”

                “I swear the thing that come out of your beak.”

    --------

                 “Every other building in this city has got to be ten stories maximum. But that castle has got to be what three hundred stories? So I the way I se-” Sonic explained but was promptly cut off.

                “Scanning… The structure reaches a height of three thousand two hundred and thirty feet. If they follow our common ten foot per story approximations, it would place it at three hundred and twenty three stories. The other buildings that comprise this city have mean height of four hundred feet or forty stories, proving that you lack the mental capacity to provide acceptable approximate object height over minor spatial distances.” Metal said flatly to Sonic, who was now perched on the head of a stone griffon gargoyle, as he looked out over the city. “The skies are clear, we’ll use the roof tops to hide our advance. Go.”

                Sonic swiftly bounded from rooftop to spire to buttress as he they made their way, quickly closing the distance to the place, until he spotted a flock of griffons swooping low for a landing. He signaled them to Metal and quickly made his way back the streets. Once in the safety of the shadow of nearby barrels, Metal resumed their discussion. “Your dashed dreams of becoming a proper surveyor notwithstanding, you have only told me about the inhabitants of the castle and have yet to answer my question as to why the building is ‘uppity’.”

                “Well maybe if a certain someone would hold their freaking horses’,” Sonic shot back, before gesturing Metal to move to the next alley way “then I would.”

                “I would, but here I thought holding horses was your area of expertise,” Metal replied sardonically once they dashed across and were in position.

                “And just what does that supposed to mean?” Sonic asked defensively as he scanned for more city guards or passersby’s that could give up their location.

    “Are you implying by asking such a question, that you are not engaging in recreational fornication with the female equines of this world?” Metal clarified flatly.

                 Sonic slowly craned his head from his search to meet Metal’s unblinking gaze. His mouth was slightly parted in shock and disbelief and for a moment the two looked at each other without words passing until Sonic was finally able to muster a proper response befitting Metal’s statement.

                “How could?! When? HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT!?” the blue hedgehog blurted out incredulously before spying there next advance and pointing to it. “Overpass up ahead on three. One. Two…Three.”

                The two rushed forward from their cover and bolted down a cobblestone road that led them to their destination, however an intersection lay in the path and as luck would have it so did a four wheeled carriage being hauled by four canine creatures in a similar fashion to dog sled. Sonic quickly fell back into a slide and skidded between the front and rear set of wheels without losing a hint of momentum as Metal effortlessly altered his thrusters to lob himself up and over carriage before joining his counterpart on their trek and swiftly making it to cover.

                “Well that was fun, those wolves never saw us,” Sonic boasted, fighting a losing battle to hide a grin from pulling off such a slick maneuver.

                “Those were coyotes,” Metal corrected. “Again your underwhelming powers of perception are painfully apparent.”

                “You know what? Why don’t you cut me some freaking slack over here? I can’t run DNA scans or whatever you do to tell what race they are!”

                “I am very aware of your limitations hedgehog. You annoyingly point them out constantly.”

                “You’re impossible you know that?” Sonic groaned. “And just what makes you think I’m sleeping with any of the ponies?!”

    “Well aside from you blatantly confirming it just a few moments ago, at every meeting we have had since arriving on this planet and you have been in the presence of either the equine Rainbow Dash or the equine military offic-“

                “Spitfire. Her name is Spitfire”

                “At every meeting we have had since arriving on this planet and you have been in the presence of either the equine Rainbow Dash or the equine Spitfire, you have exhibited a dramatic increase in pheromones. This would indicate your desire to engage in sexual activities,” Metal began to explain. “Furthermore, during our last encounter before departing for the land of the griffons, scans of your vitals show a spike in your testosterone production which is a common occurrence in males after coitus. Lastly, there were slight traces of your genetic code embedded in various locations on the coat of the equine Rai-“

                “OKAY! WHOA! WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!”

                “Incorrect, this conversation is indeed occurring.”

                “NO! I mean… Ugh!” Sonic grunted aloud in frustration as he buried his head in his hands. “What I mean is, stop talking about it. Right now! I am not gonna sit and talk about my sex life with you! Now then, let’s get on top of that clock tower. From there it looks like we can leap to the castle walls and make a beeline to the castle itself.” With that said, Sonic readied himself to launch forward, but paused and turned to face metal again. “And you and I are never going to talk about anything sexual related ever again!”

                Without further delay, the two were off, making their way across the city at high speeds, dodging and weaving city guards and civilians alike, using their speed to mask their presence as they neared the large clock tower that was of high gothic design. Once there, the two quickly ascended, Metal via flight and Sonic making use of his athleticism as he scaled the structure, with the occasionally well timed synchronized homing attack to boost him to otherwise inaccessible ledges. After a short amount of time the two fond themselves perched on a large ornate second hand that currently resided at the forty minute mark that pointed them directly at the castle wall.

                “Okay,’ Sonic began, “At forty five, I’m gonna dash off and make the leap to the castle wall.”

                “Isn’t that what males do with one another.” Metal responded. “While I have no organs to denote sexuality, since I was designed and created based off you, as well as you and I bearing remarkable semblance to one another-”

                “We do not look that alike!” Sonic quickly retorted, his frustration boiling to a head.

                “Amy the hedgehog disagrees,” Metal countered.

                “Not fair, she also confused me for Shadow!” Sonic defended.

                “Duly noted,” Metal yielded, “Prior point dismissed, but you still cannot deny that I am your robotic equivalent any more than I can deny that you’re my organic template. This well-known fact allows us to derive that it is reasonable to believe me to be male in nature, and therefore making it acceptable to have this discussion regarding your insemination of Rainbow Dash.

                “I did not inseminate her!” Sonic fumbled out hurriedly. “And I could have SWORE that I said we weren’t gonna have this conversation!”

                “How were you unable to inseminate? Did you miss?”

                “WHA?! No I didn’t mis- YEARRGHH!”

                “Perhaps you are unknowledgeable in how to commit the act. That would explain why I detected trace amounts of your genetic code embedded on her coat around her face, muzzle, and flank, as well as traces strewn about in her mane.” Metal explained causing Sonic to turn slightly pale with embarrassment. “Would you like me to give you proper instruction?”

                “The LAST thing in this world I want, is for you and me to have ‘The Talk’! I know how to have it! I know how to get it done! I have had several girlfriends in the past thank you very much! And I didn’t miss! Did you ever think that maybe I didn’t want to have kids at this point in my life?!”

                “I see, so then you are admitting to having recreational fornication with the female equines of this world?”

                “METAL!” Sonic shouted as his frustration boiled to a head once it sunk in that Metal had one upped him conversationally, “Would you PLEASE! Shut the fu-”

                “It’s Forty five.”

                “Finally!” Sonic rejoiced as he received respite from the conversation, and tensed his muscles to launch himself off the large minute hand.

                “I do find it rather odd that you chose to engage in relations with pegasus Rainbow Dash and not the one you call Spitfire,” Metal mused.

                The comment could not have come at a worse time.

    Sonic had just launched himself forward and was committing to the jump when the robot’s statement reached his ears and caused him to falter. He planted his jumping foot awkwardly and his leap was thrown off and as a result, he didn’t get even a third of the distance he was aiming for and was now caught in a free fall heading directly for the cobblestone road below. Images of himself splatted across the ground quickly flared in his mind and drew forth a terrified shout as he flailed on his way down. However his scream was cut short, as was his plummet as he felt the cold grip of Metal Sonic’s hand wrap around one of his arms and swing him back into the air putting him back on course. Sonic regained his senses and rolled into a ball before using a homing attack to land squarely on the castle wall with Metal landing beside him immediately after he touched down. Sonic took a quick moment to examine their surrounding and saw no guards and once certain of their privacy he wheeled around to face Metal.

                “Stop it!”

                “Stop what?”

                “Stop talking about my personal life! ESPECIALLY MY SEX LIFE!”

                “Why, have we not already derived it is acceptable to claim me as male and two males often discuss their sexual endeavors with one another.” Metal replied.

                “Friends! Two male friends!”

                “Are we not friends, Sonic the Hedgehog?”

                “What do you think?”

                “I suspect that with the amount of knowledge I have regarding you, I could be only one of two things. An assassin or your friend.” Metal answered. “Seeing as I have no desire to kill you at the moment, simple logic dictates that we are friends. Would you not agree?”

                “Oh yeah, we’re practically two peas in a pod,” Sonic snorted out mockingly. “Very reassuring argument by the way, what with you just not wanting to kill me at the moment and all.”

                “Acknowledged. Resuming prior conversion. I do find it rather odd that you chose to engage in relations with pegasus Rainbow Dash and not the one you call Spitfire.”

                “You know what,” Sonic said closing the gap between himself and Metal, “I’m gonna squash this right now. I like Rainbow Dash. I’m happy with Rainbow Dash. She makes me happy. There is nothing going on between me and Spitfire. Yeah she’s hot, and yeah we’re friends, but that’s it. There is nothing else going on between us. So I don’t care what you say, or what Spitfire says, or what anyone else says for that matter. I like Rainbow Dash! Not Spitfire! Got that!”

                “Acknowledged.”

                “I mean, just because we kissed two times doesn’t mean anything,” Sonic continued as he unknowingly began to pace back and forth. “I’m totally over it and completely focused on Dash.”

                “Acknowledged.”

                “Dash and I are perfect for each, we both love speed, we make each other laugh all the time, she’s beautiful, and I’m telling you she’s perfect for me. Spitfire’s controlling, and got a bad temper, an-“

                “Are you trying to convince me?” Metal interrupted. “Or yourself?”

                “Wha? No! I was... why would… That’s not what I was…” Sonic began to massage his temples and let out an exasperated sigh as he realized Metal had a point. “Maybe she was right Metal, after she kissed me, she told me that no how much I think I love Dash, that I’d never get the taste of her out of my mouth.” Sonic explained, making his way to the edge of the castle wall facing the palace leaning against it as his mind tried to sort it all out. “I like Rainbow Metal, I really do like her.”

                “And yet you seem you seem conflicted.”

                “Yeah…” Sonic mumbled before turning to face Metal Sonic. He stared at him for a moment before smiling at him. “It’s weird, you know, back on Mobius we’d be trying to kill each other, but now we’re over here having a freaking heart to heart about girls while trying to stop a nuclear warhead from going off.”

                “I concur that the odds of this situation are unlikely, however they have happened regardless.” Metal replied.

                “Let me ask you something,” Sonic responded casually. “Why? Why do you want to stop this thing? What’s it to you?”

                “The creator is dead. I have no master. I have no mission. I have no task. I do not wish for that to be so. I desire a purpose.”

                “A purpose?”

                “I am a machine, Sonic the hedgehog, despite all of my advanced programming and recent liberations, I am still just a machine. A tool used to correct a problem. Before my problem was you. However, you are no longer the problem. With no problem to correct, I am obsolete. I do not desire to be obsolete.”

                “So that’s why you went around collecting all the space debris and you want to stop a nuke?”

                “It is. Unlike you, I have no higher calling or need to be a hero. I just desire to be useful.”

                “Unlike me? You’re putting yourself at risk to save lives simply because you want to do something helpful?” Sonic chuckled. “Hate to break it to you Metal, but that sounds pretty darn heroic to me.”

                There was brief silence before Metal moved beside Sonic and looked out at the castle with him. Then without turning, the robot spoke. “Perhaps we’re not so different after all, you and I. Perhaps there is more to us than simply being different things that look alike.”

                Their attention was swiftly drawn to the main entrance to the palace that lie before them, as its great doors swung wide to make way for an envoy of some distinction that began it’s slow procession into the castle.

                “Our path has been made clear,” Metal pointed out. “We should take this opportunity to breach the castle and complete the mission.”

                “You ready then?” Sonic asked as he faced his robotic copy. Metla turned and faced him, his glowing red LED eyes met with Sonic green ones as the hedgehog examined him for a moment. “You look ready.”

                 “Get in. Handle business. Get out. Easy day.”

                Sonic chuckled as the irony of the situation began to overwhelm him. “You remember what I said? Right before we left the ship?”

                “That you would tell me at a later time the reasons why you were so confident that we would succeed in our mission.” Metal recounted. “You only chose to inform me of one of those reasons which was that you are Sonic the Hedgehog. What was the other reason?”

                “There’s two of me.”